⚠ Be wary of themes discussed: suicidal, sexual, religious, etc.
今日は、久しぶりに日記を書いてみようと思います。最近は忙しくてなかなか時間が取れませんでしたが、やっぱり日記を書くのは楽しいですね。
今日は、友達と一緒に映画を見に行きました。とても面白かったです。映画の内容は、未来の世界を描いていて、技術が進化している様子が描かれていました。特に、人工知能が人間と共存する未来のシナリオが印象的でした。
映画の後は、カフェでお茶をしました。友達と色々な話をして、とても楽しい時間を過ごしました。最近は、仕事が忙しくてなかなか友達と会う時間が取れなかったので、久しぶりに会えて嬉しかったです。
これからも、日記を書いていこうと思います。日々の出来事や感じたことを記録していくのは、後で振り返ると楽しいものですし、自分自身の成長を感じることもできます。これからも、日記を続けていきたいと思います。
You won't know what nothing will never be or give you.
The text above in the other language wasn't my own; that's the blending of life that I have learned today in my course.
The text above the previous one was written to me and it doesn't mean anything to me.
Today a man was listening to rap music really loudly on the train and I was very mad because of this. I wanted to get up from my seat and scream at him but that was my emotions talking. I shouldn't think of such things because violence is never an option as all of the teachers I have known have said; is this even true when nothing can be heard?
I put on my own earbud and listened to Romantic Theory; I couldn't find the song at first on my app so I had to google up the lyrics I had in my head: why is technology so unconvenientally convenient sometimes.
I wanted to put on both of my earbuds but I couldn't because the right one barely works anymore: its sound is so low that even at full volume I can barely hear anything and that really angers me.
Earlier, quand la controlleuse est venue, he turned down his headphones and then I knew that he knew he was doing wrong, which angered me even more.
Anger is not the correct emotion for that situation, but I don't know its name.
When I took out my water bottle, I dropped its lid and it fell on the ground and rolled a few meters away from me.
The girl who was previously sitting next to me because the train was too crowded and then went to sit on her own but still on the same row looked at me: I wondered how she felt, but in the moment I just felt too annoyed to even wonder about anything.
I was about to go get the lid off the ground myself but then it was the man who had been listening to rap loudly that got it for me.
At that point I was mad about myself because fuck me, why do I think like this; why do I even think at all? Why has a non-existant God given me this body and mind, with both I don't know what to do.
I feel so drained yet I gotta continue on working. Today I slept 5 hours because I didn't let myself go to sleep until I was somewhat satisfied with my work or that my body was too tired to even continue: it was the latter that happened.
It really feels like I'm angry all the time and my brain can't think any more; I should go put it in a fryer so it can actually resemble what it actually is.
Metafiction was confusing today.
I don't know if I'll go to the travaux pratiques class tomorrow. I don't think I have time to do everything, but then in those cases, I do nothing.
When crossing the crosswalk in front of my home I thought about killing myself in any way possible, then I remembered that it was my mom's birthday and that I couldn't let that happen to her: is existent actually co-dependant on others or can I be substituted for another or even simply erased like gum.
I feel so tired, my eyes are closing on themselves.
I can hear my loud uncle downstairs and I hate him; I can hear my laughing sister downstairs and I love him. I only love things of instant gratification, O how my life has been ruined by all and none of you.
Typing on this keyboard feels good.
I don't see how my life can end other than by me ending it myself.
My back hurts; I wonder if it's because of that couch au cercle: je m'y sentais pas super bien mis non plus.
There is an ongoing strike for train services. I can't go to class today; I looked up the timetables for buses but it was too late: either I had to take a bus in 7 minutes (I wasn't ready, dressed, or anything) or I would be an hour late to my class (and it would have already ended by then). I decided not to go to school today.
Yesterday I saw my sister for the first time in a while; she looked a lot better than usually. She has struggled with depression and anxiety basically all her life: she recently got new glasses, it makes her look older in an elitist kind of way. We and my mother were watching the news while eating dinner: it felt like she was a teenager again, she had gotten back this sort of energy she used to have. There was a segment on Iran and she talked how Italy, Spain, and Portugal are nowadays the only safe place to live in since we never hear about those countries in the news. I told her that Spain was not a good place to live possibly in the future because of the disagreements it had with large EU members and Trump.
After a while, she told that she had been living her life without really worrying about the outside world because we can't do anything about it: she believes in stoicism and she talked to me once about nihilism. I can see her point, but I also disagree heavily. The expression 'ignorance is bliss' hit me stronger than it ever had.
Yesterday when I was in my room I wanted to cry and I couldn't tell why. It felt that no one noticed: my sister asked me if I was alright during dinner, but my mom interrupted her when something came up on the news; I don't remember what it was, but my sister didn't continue asking me, maybe she forgot about it.
After she went to say bye to me in my room, I also almost cried when she descended the stairs and left. I had forgotten how much I missed her because she lives in a different point of view compared to, and what feels like it, everybody else.
The new Meta glasses scares me: I don't want to be recorded or watched. I went ahead and looked at pictures of what such glasses look like so I can recognize what they look like: they're very bulky and the ends are quite droopy. 7 millions have already been sold apparently and most people don't know about it. I hope they don't come into Europe.
This is my third website published on Neocities.
I wanna try concealer one day to see what it can do.
There still isn't any trains; I had to go take the bus. The time it takes me to get from home to school and back home is now twice as long as it would usually be, almost 2 hours. I almost missed the bus in the morning, but I had came a minute earlier before it left. The doors were closed and I had to ask the conductor to open them: I thanked him and said hello, but he didn't greet me back. I kinda wish I had missed the bus or that the driver hadn't waited.
Went to only one class and skipped the other one: I did the same thing last week, but that was because I had been really sick from an operation the week prior and I didn't have the time to read a book for the class. I don't like the teacher that we currently have either: we have two teachers though, the other one I really like. I thought that going to the class would be a waste of energy since I was too tired, I wasn't caught up, and I had to do homework for the next day.
I saw a friend at the tram stop and we talked. I thought I had missed my bus to go back home, but I was lucky enough to catch it on the next tram stop: if I hadn't, I would have needed to wait for an hour. In that bus, after halfway done with the route, I noticed that there had been another friend of mine on the bus, but he didn't notice me and I wasn't sure if I should go talk to him as there was someone else sitting next to me and they would have needed to get up.
The lecture today wasn't really interesting; I wish I could have talked with the teacher more, I really like her.
I wish porn didn't exist and I had a lover. I can't imagine myself having a lover, I can't imagine how they could be or look like, and I can't imagine what I would be or look like either.
I still have work to do and I haven't done much for the whole day. I promised myself I would have been already working more than an hour ago.
I miss secondary school; everything feels like it's going too fast. I should have talked to my friend I saw on the bus, I don't know why I didn't do it: it's so dumb.
I wished I would have accepted the relationship he proposed but he ended up violating me, I don't think I can call it rape or sexual assault, or violence, just bad communication on both parts.
I managed to finish the German translation of the homework earlier than what I would have usually and I'm proud of that.
Today was okay. There is no more train strike but a bus strike instead. The trams were running which was a bit unexpected but that's good. There is going to be many protests at the capital. We could potentially have soldiers surveiling the streets because there is a risk of terrorist attacks.
The classes were good though: I had 3 hours of german today. I was really unmotivated in the morning but I still went (and I was able to catch my train). The classes were lighter than usual since not a lot of people could come, or at least, less than usual.
In the tram was a dishiveled woman with tissues coming from a sandwich shop on her nose: the tissues were all bloody and I had to take a second look at her to see if I was actually seeing correctly. I didn't know what to do and neither did others as she asked for someone to give her money and take her to a pharmacy to buy bandages. I pretended to not hear her or to ignore her. I couldn't tell if she was genuinely in a bad situation or if it was some kind of setup, which is definitely possible. Once, while waiting at the train station, a random guy came up to me and asked me if I could give him my phone because he had to call his girlfriend that had recently broke up with him and that now he is lost without her and desperately need to get her back. I refused multiple times but he insisted. He even asked me if I was scared and I told him that I was.
I have to read 4 books: one is for my English literature class, I need to have finished it by Monday; the second is for my German class as the oral exam will be on this book; the third and fourth are for my German literature class: the third is Der Sandmann and the fourth is by Sigmond Freud. I honestly don't know how I'll manage.
I also have a preparatory exam either on Tuesday or Wednesday for my English grammar class.
I need a lover to motivate me and hold me sometimes to keep me in check. I wanna go back to his place, but I don't have time and it kinda felt like I was a toy to him, but I liked how he held me (maybe because he's the only one that can do that right now). But I stopped responding to him messages and I've probably broken his trust in me since I didn't really say much. Though I did say that I was busy and that there would be no days were I could go to his place.
I wish I was drawn and lived in drawings, everything so much more fun in there.
My head hurts: I slept really badly today, I woke up multiple times: somehow, I had activated multiple times my alarm without me recalling it. I woke up at 6.30am and then 10am. At 10am I started doing my Anki flashcards for my German.
My brain feels so foggy today: I hate porn and short-form content, they most likely the culprits.
I literally can't remember what I thought a minute ago, it's horrible. I really need to take a break from those two things I mentioned, I think they're both excessively bad for me, but it feels like a withdrawal whenever I don't do it for a couple of days.
I don't know why but having earbuds or having headphones makes me feel very drowsy and sleepy. Maybe my brain might not be able to handle all of the information sent?
Yesterday, a moth appeared in my room. I don't know how it got there. Today, I noticed that there were now two of them: I really hope they don't reproduce and lay eggs, if that's what they do. I don't want an infestation. They look like male and female, though I'm not fully sure.
I wanna speak every language in the world and be able to understand and see everything. I really want to learn Mandarin after I'm done with German: I found their writing system really cool and I love their word formation; I also love the idea of particles, since we don't really use them all that much in French. There's plenty of particles in German though. I really like German, but it's also kind of a pain in the ass. I find also English grammar to be plenty weird and old-fashioned in a way but that might just be because I have to learn British grammar at uni. My English grammar classes are really a let-down for me because I was expecting for things to be explained to me as for why they are in a such a way: what kind of history such and such formations have and why is it in such a way, what's the reasoning and origins behind all of them? Instead, we are simply lectured that we can only such and such things, and that it's the way that it is.
My mom is listening to music so loudly in the bathroom, in the room right next to my bedroom, while I'm trying to study: it's disturbing my thoughts but I don't wanna ask her to turn it down because I know she enjoys it, but it bothers me nonetheless.
I still haven't eaten lunch and it's 4pm.
My breath is rotting, it feels like it and I feel disgusting.
I was so hungry that I was shaking and I didn't even realize, oh my god.
I keep losing weight and I don't even understand it: I do eat for each meal correctly. My face is visibly more carved out than before and it's kind of a sad sight. I just want a man to be affectionate to me and, in a way, take me under his wings.
I didn't do much today; I mainly just scrolled on unsecured and open cameras. It was interesting but I still did waste time.
My laptop was running really weirdly today, I don't know why.
I'm currently doing an sfc scan, it has been taking a while.
I really hope I can finish off the book I'm supposed to read for my English class. If I don't finish it by Monday, I'll be in big trouble.
I wish I could hours on end but it's making me feel very drowsy.
I'll have to reread it a second time later on so that I can properly annotate it with all the thoughts and remarks I have.
I managed to get the two moths out of my room. I had to remove my moustiquaire to do so, I'll have to put it back tomorrow.
I have around 60 pages left of my book and I think I'll be able to manage that tomorrow.
After having opening my window for the moths to get out, my room is pretty cold, so I turned on an electrical heater. I'm just waiting a bit before turning it off so that it doesn't consume too much.
It's 2am right now.
I told myself yesterday that if I make it past a certain point in my book, then I'll treat myself with the update of a visual novel I've been waiting for more than a year now.
I replayed the entire story for one character but I still haven't finished. The visual novel counts in days and I think I'll just play one day for each real-life day instead of playing all the way through: I want to make it last longer. It's a dating visual novel: the character I chose really represent daddy issues and, even if he's not real, he really makes me feel things I had never felt before.
I wish it was real, I wish I was the protagonist. I long for a universe like these and I'm jealous of their fictional existance.
He's too perfect.
I wish I didn't need to eat: it feels like such a waste of time. Surely in the future there will be a way to eliminate the need while still keeping the body fed correctly and healthy.
Myself, I am not proud of.
I can't imagine myself in the future. All I see when I try is pure black. Like a void: I always interpreted it when I was younger as that I would commit suicide and that's why I couldn't imagine myself in the future, while other could.
You're not young anymore.
I don't know how much I'd pay if I was given the chance to see what my life would be 5 or 10 years in the future.
I need to stay in silence. I really need to stay in silence. No more messes of sounds, no need to hear all of that.
I think that even if I could relive my childhood, all the things would stay the same, or maybe minimally change, and even if I had the conscience I had now, that wouldn't change much and that would just be more tiring overall.
I wonder if I would be in the same mental state if I had been in a different body and mind. I'm sure that there are thousands of people feeling, or has felt, the exact same way that I'm feeling, but everywhere feels so alone.
In the circle of people I actually do know, I don't think one would relate to what I'm feeling, that is, if I can even put it into words.
Earlier today I couldn't even remember how I got back home on Thursday. It wasn't like I had forgotten but I wasn't sure either.
I felt good after pleasuring myself in years today, I think it might have been because of the play/aftercare.
I don't believe in a God, but maybe if there's one, if he did actually meant for our existence or if he supervises us, curious how we'll live and coexist, I believe that he might be throwing challenges at us to see if we'll give up, like playthings. I must fight against God to prove my will, in a way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFMQArEuiYc One of the saddest videos I've seen in a while.
I wonder if I'm possibly burning out from uni. I told my mom about it when she asked me if I was alright after looking at my eyes for a long moment.
Life is going too fast for me, I can't get a rest or keep up. I won't be going to my class today in order to catch up on other things.
After the deed is over, the silence deafens us
I had really bad diarrhea tonight for some reason; I look and it was fully black. I don't know why it did that.
I didn't go to classes today.
I'll see if I go to class tomorrow, i'll see how I'll see tomorrow morning. My stomach feels particularly hot for some reason and I don't have much bowel movements.
I started taking magnesium yesterday.
I went to the doctor's and got locked out the house yesterday: long story short, my mom had forgotten her keys on the door and I was in a rush so I didn't notice the keys on the door.
I was quite more busy than usually yesterday and I couldn't work all that much, so I have more Anki cards to do today than usually.
I won't get what I want.
It seems like my phone is almost an emotional regulator now. I felt a bit sad and I instantly grabbed my phone out of habit; that's really bad, I feel like those monkeys with their mothers made out of metal with spikes.
It's beginning to be more and more sunny and that's good.
My brain feels foggy once again, I really need to stop: after sleeping well, it goes slightly back to normal, but I also perturb it.